So much joy is lost when trying to conceive after loss. For obvious reasons, of course, but also in moments that once brought so much joy before experiencing pregnancy loss or infertility.

Getting a positive pregnancy test.

Telling loved ones we’re pregnant.

Hearing that others are pregnant.

Birthday parties, holidays, and apparently even bridal showers for me (who can stand to be around that much joy and hope for the future when you’re a literal living open wound spending every day thinking about how you’re not pregnant yet???)

Today my husband and I got the green light to receive intrauterine injection (IUI) treatment later this week. My mid-cycle ultrasound went great, and initially I was so relieved. But sticking a hypodermic needle into my abdomen this evening brought me back down to Earth real quick.

I am so afraid to feel hopeful. I am terrified to be optimistic. If IUI doesn’t work for us this cycle, I’ll be crushed like I always am when cycle day 1 rolls around. If IUI does work for us… I imagine a moment of joy followed by weeks of anxiety.

The sinking feeling of not seeing the ink darken with each pregnancy test (because a normal person would take 1 test, but a loss mom like myself takes 1 per day because I am unhinged). Questioning every cramp. Checking for blood after each wipe. And don’t get me started on the crippling fear of going in for each scan just hoping there’s a heartbeat.

I am so grateful to be able to receive fertility treatment, and I sincerely hope it works (sooner rather than later, please), but WOOF, it is hard to breathe through all of these things that should be filled with hope and joy.